HOLY CRAP!!! Literally!!! The _____ hit the fan!!!

So here's the deal...

The other day, I get a call from Angela saying that Dakota went poopy in the potty for the first time. We were all excited and may have actually high fived when I got home...I am not sure. All afternoon, Dakota was using the potty like a "big boy". The only thing was....Angela told me he didn't go very much during the "poopy" session. Dakota had been wearing underwear all day long though.

Anyway...it was Wed nite and we were getting ready for church. Dakota wanted to wear his underwear to church. We very STUPIDLY let him. Angela and I were in the middle of a clas when we were summoned.

I went into the nursery area and the stench radiating from the area definitely led me to believe I was going to have a problem the likes of which none has ever seen. I grabbed up Dakota who by this point had flies circling around him like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. I laid my stinky boy down on the changing table and he looked up and said "dada...i lub you". I said " love you too buddy, but you can't go poopy in your underwear anymore". Then the tears started flowing...these tears were his. I had hurt his feelings. I felt horrible and tried to console him.

I got his jeans off and saw the underwear...and the tears started flowing. These were mine. There was a mountain of poop in his underwear that can only be compared to Kilimanjaro or Everest. I actually had to physically climb to the top of this poop mountain just to get the underwear off. I reached the top and posted a flag just like all explorers do....because this was definitely uncharted territory. I titled this post "HOLY CRAP"....because it was actually miraculous the amount of crap that was in these underwear.

NOW....when I saw this was a MOUNTAIN of poo....it is NOT an exaggeration. This pile of $#@! was so massive that when I tried to drop it out of the underwear into the toilet it just plopped in...and then wouldn't even flush after I tried several times. I had to get something and shove it down the hole.

The underwear were completely unsalvagable. I didn't even try. I just bagged them up so that the smell wouldn't harm any animals and trashed them. Ain't NO WAY I am going to try to actually clean these things.

The good "ol days...

So when I say "good 'ol days". I am not referring to the days of our forefathers. I am talking about the days of "pre-kid" life. I am talking about the things we took for granted before the kids came along. I have given this a lot of thought over the last few days, and I have a list of things from "the good 'ol days".

1. The glorious beauty of being able to go to the bathroom without kids banging on the bathroom door. I mean seriously guys....that is a very private moment. I can't remember the last time I was able go to the bathroom in silence.

2. Being able to eat all the food on my plate. MAN....this one really gets me!! The kids will be eating the exact same thing....but I hear "I want daddy food". The reason I put the amount on my plate that I do...is because I want to eat that much. It's not because I want to SHARE that much.

3. Enjoying a meal. I have developed a new art I like to call Speedeating. The thing is...I have to be done eating my food LONG before the kids are done so I can start running up bath water, preparing the bedtime stuff, getting PJs ready, and washing dishes before the kids finish dinner. I can not remember the last time I didn't have to rush through a meal.

4. Scheduling around what I want to do. We now schedule around naps. "Oh....we can't go here then...because that is during Sydney's naptime". Thank GOD this part is starting to get better....but in the beginning, it was ridiculous.

5. Having clothes without snot on them. This one is fresh in my memory because yesterday as I was hugging Dakota before I left for work, he wiped his nose on my shoulder and said "daddy....I Shnot". haha!! I looked at him and said..."well, you're not 'shnot' anymore!" I kinda miss the days when my shirts didn't have crispy parts to them.

6. Listening to what I want to hear on the radio. Never in my LIFE did I imagine a 3 year old would have such seriously opinionated taste in music. I turn on the radio for no more than 2 seconds and I hear..."daddy..I no like dat song. I wan udder one. i wan anudder song".

7. A droolless floor. Ahhhhh....feeling of walking barefoot across my hardwood floor. Then hitting something warm, and wet....feels kinda nice....but wait a minute....I JUST STEPPED IN A PUDDLE OF DROOL!!! DANG IT!!! I wash my foot, but it feels like it is still on there for days. Same thing happens when I have accidentally gotten poo on my hand or something. I scrub and scrub but it feels like it is still there.

SO....who's reconsidering having kids now??!!!

Too bad baldness isnt hereditary from the father's side

Alight....

so my little boy has an awesome full set of hair. I am bald and pretty much live vicariously thru him by spiking his hair...and let me just say....he's cute and he KNOWS it!! I have already told Angela to be thankful that I am bald, otherwise I would have some crazy green spikey hair or some sort of cool emo do. One of these days....and it probably aint far off now....they will cure baldness, and I will be the first in line....and I will finally have my green spikiness....or will look like Robert Smith from the cure...just because I could.

NOW...enough of my chrome domea and back to Dakota...

The other day, I spiked his hair and he looked at me and said..."Daddy! I SOOOOO cute!!". The kicker is this....he stuck his hand on my cueball head and said "NO MORE HAIR! You have you get some NEW hair!". For a split second I wished that either he could experience the joy of losing one's hair. OR...better yet...may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his immaculate coiffer.

Can someone please call homeland security? We are gonna make millions!!

OK,

So I know I haven't posted anything in the last few days. I have been busy writing an ebook, designing a site(which I completely suck at btw), and dealing with a deluge of rain here in the liquid sunshine state.

ANWAY....yesterday, I had the blessed priviledge of being home all day with the kids while severe weather was blazing away outside so we were stuck inside all day. About midday I was thinking to myself "wow...no poopy diapers all day...how wonderful". Then I really thought about it...."WAIT A SECOND.....they are saving up!!!".

Late afternoon, I began to smell a funkiness that can only be described a skunk dying on top of a bum who that has showered in years, and has been eating 3 year old cheese he found in a paper mill. It was Sydney. I took her into the room to change her. When I opened the diaper, I saw what was most definitely some sort of greenish RADIO ACTIVE MATERIAL.

I am pretty sure that this stuff is used to power our power plants, rockets, and all sorts of other secret government projects. So I knew immediately I would need to report it to the proper governmental agency. I saved the diaper in a plastic bag, but couldn't take it outside because of the torrential rains.

THEN.....about 15 minutes later, I smelled the same thing again!! This time it was Dakota. I am pretty sure that under a black light, this substance would yield a fascinating display of neon colour. It was the same radio active material that Sydney had produced just minutes before.

I have come to the conclusion now that my kids are indeed magic, and I plan to use their powers to become very rich. I am going to start selling this stuff to nuclear power plants. I am pretty sure that with this material, we can solve all the world's energy problems. I definitely don't want this substance to get into the wrong hands. It could be bad for us all. it could possible lead to a biological warfare tbe likes of which noone has ever dreamed.

He dipped out...

So Dakota camr up to me tonight and said "Hey daddy....Da helicopter dipped out". I said "what did you say?". He just looked back at me and said..."He dipped out". I have NO idea where he heard this "dipped out" thing....but I CRACKED up!!! It is funny to hear a 3 year old say something like that. The other day, he threw the Flava Flav on me with "YEAAAHHHH BOOYYYY!!!!" Another funny thing he said was while we were going for a walk. We saw an Airplane go by and he looked up and said..."DADDY!!! Errpane!!! Rock and ROLL!!!" While he put a fist to the sky. This kid says the funniest things.

Nearly butt naked and locked outta the house...

OK...

NOW...this didnt happen today. BUT...I wanted to put it down while the pissedoffedness I mean....memories are still fresh still fresh in my mind.

For those that don't know, my wife did a surrogate pregnancy for some friends of ours (yes...she is indeed superwoman). Anyway, she had twins last November(about 2 months early), and I was at home for about 2 straight weeks with the kids....still trying to work at the church, run my biz, prepare for Christmas, yada yada yada. And all by myself at the time.

ANYWAY....I learned pretty quick that I had to dress one kid, put them in the car, and then dress the other one. Here is how I learned that lesson. I got Dakota dressed one day, and then went to dress Sydney. While I was dressing her, he went and got some baby formula powder, and poured it on the floor. He then poured his water all over it and rubbed it all over himself. I walked out of the room with Sydney fully dressed and quite honestly was rather proud of myself for having both kids ready early. ABOUT THIS TIME....I looked over and saw that pasty mess that was my son. I put Sydney down and grabbed him up, but it was too late...he was a wreck. While i was holding him and trying to figure out what to do, Sydney got into the same mess. I ended up having to clean the entire kitchen and redress both of them.

ANYWAY....that's how I learned that lesson....now back to the nearly naked thing for which I have titled this post. I got Sydney dressed this time, and was getting ready to take her to the car, but the shoes she needed were actually IN the car. SO...I ran out into the garage in nothing but a pair of jeans. No shirt, no shoes, no nothing else. OH....I really shouild mention at this point that this was the coldest day we had in North Florida this winter and it was about 25 degrees outside. ANYHOO....While I was scavenging through Angela's car to try to find the shoes, I looked back and saw Dakota look out of the door. He smiled and was knew his thought. I said "DAKOTA!!! Don't touch the door!". It was too late...the door slammed shut and then I heard the sickening CLICK!!! The little 2 year old punk had DEADBOLTED me out!!! I was FREEZING!!! I beat on the door for a good 5 minutes before he FINALLY came over and opened the door for me. Only later did I remember that I had TWO spare keys outside. A definite homer simpson D'OH moment for me. Anyway....my mom met me at the chruch to watch the kids that day and little Dakota's life was spared. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Everytime I go outside.....TAKE AN EXTRA SET OF KEYS!!!!

The freakin' shoes are BLACK!!!

OK....so Angela and I have this thing going about some shoes that Dakota owns. TO ME.....they look like faded black. TO ANGELA, they look navy blue. She and had made a little bet a while back to make it interesting. We have been asking around, and the results are about 50/50.

TODAY THOUGH.....I put the shoes on Dakota. He said "My blue shoes!". I said..."buddy...these are black". Then I said..."what colour are your shoes?". He said "Bluuuueee". I said..."NO....they are black". He then snapped back..."NO DADA....They not black....they blue....STOP IT DADA!". THAT Little PUNK!!! OBVIOUSLY I started cracking up and knew I couldn't tell Angela that he was on her side. SO....just to make myself feel better, I grabbed a stocking from Christmas that he plays with that is BLOOD red. I said "What colour is this?". Dakota said..."BLUUUEEEE". I said "See...you don't even know what you're talking about! It is red...and the shoes are black". He didn't agree. Just so you guys know though...the shoes are black.