Welcome to the feces fiesta can I take your order? Yes, I'll have the mcfeces with a side order of pee please. Actually....can you supersize that?

I swear to everything Holy that if this evening had not ended when it did, I may have baker acted myself before all was said and done.

I KNEW I smelled something quite ripe...and the odor seemed to be emitting from my daughter. Sure enough, I looked down and saw a green fog wafting out of her diaper. It was bath time anyway, so no problem right? WRONG!!!!!

I take her into the nursery, and change her diaper. I thought I noticed things in the poopy arena to be a little clingy. She had a full on clingon going. It took me like 77 tries to finally get everything cleared. FINALLY, all was done, and I put her on the floor.

I walked into the kitchen to get a biohazard bag to put the toxic waste diaper into. As I was doing that, I noticed my daughter running around the house creaming like a banshee and laughing hysterically. It was kinda cute, so I started laughing with her....UNTIL......

Until I saw it. She had a stage 5 clingon hanging out of her butt!!! The girl was prairie dogging and running around the house screaming like an idiot. She thought it was hilarious that she had a massive turd dangling from her butt. I began the chase...

Up on the couch she went. NOOO!!!!!! Don't sit down!!! Please GOD...have mercy on me...don't let her sit down, oh please oh please God, if you have ever loved me don't let her sit down.

She sat down.

In the process, the clingon became a pancake. I grabbed her with my figertips and held her out so as not to get any fecal matter on me, and carried her off into the nursery. Along the way, I found a turd on the ground and realized that she had crop dusted the floor. There were several turds in a row. I cleaned her butt and then went and deturded the floor.

FINALLY, I could put the kids in the bath. We headed for the bathroom and Dakota told me he had to pee. He hopped up on the toilet and went all out. Only problem is...this kid has the aim of a one armed blind man holding a firehose. He peed all over the place. Sydney and I were ducking to save ourselves from drowning. I kid you not...the kid drilled holes in the wall.

Frustrating enough right? Can't get any worse right? Oh how wrong you'd be to think such a thing.

I get the kids bathed and get the floor cleaned up. I finally get the kids dressed when I hear Angela call out. "what's that on the floor?" I didn't even have to look. I knew immediately that I had missed an area from Sydney's cropdusting episode from earlier. I walked into the living room to find several cute little turds staring right up at me. Only problem is...one was completely flattened and had a definite shoe print on it. O M G!!! I checked my shoes. Sure enough...I had stepped in that crap. No pun intended, but defnitely appreciated I am sure. The realization of all the steps I had taken since her cropdusting episode started to sink in. I had been all over the house. OOOOOOOOhhhhh mannnnnnnn!!!!

I started walking around finding little shoe print shaped turd deposits around the house, and started the cleaning.

I got that mess cleaned up, and was DEFINITELY ready for the kids to hit the sack by this point. I told Dakota to brush his teeeth, and he went in to get that going. I heard him move his potty/stool to the sink to brush his teeth. He does that every night so I didn't think anything of it.

I heard Sydney run in there, and then heard them fighting so I knew they were fighting over who was getting to stand on the potty/stool. I walked in there guns blazing...ready to kick butt and take names. I marched my little butt right into the bathroom like I was about to throw down about a 55 gallon drum of butt whoop all over the place. I stomped right in there and.......... WEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

I actually saw my feet pass over my head and for a split second, I swear my entire life flashed before my eyes. Everything was in slow motion, and fast forward all at once. There was no doubt about it...I was gonna wipeout. But what made me slip? In the 3 minutes it took me to fall down, I had plenty of time to come to the conclusion that I knew EXACTLY what I had stepped in.

Pee.

Dakota had apparently been peeing in his little potty all day long and had told nobody about it...so it was full. Pressed down shaken together and overflowing as I have heard people say in church circles. He had lifted the potty up to carry it over to the sink and in the process had poured pee ALL OVER THE FREAKIN PLACE!!! I finally was able to swim out of the ocean of urine that filled the bathroom floor and make it to the side long enough to catch my breath. At this point I took a good lok at the kids and realized something. They had been walking in the bathroom AFTER he carried the potty over. I saw Sydney's socks SOAKED with pee.

You know what...I didn't even care at this point. I just took them off, didn't even bother to wash her feet, put some new socks on her, and was done for the evening.

I am wondering...where do I go to turn in my resignation?