Thursday, October 8, 2009

Things I thought I'd never have to tell another human being.

I have realized over the last 3 years, that I have uttered words that never thought would leave my mouth. I have now decided to make a list of a few of things. I am POSITIVE that I will have to make another list in the future. goes the ones so far.

2. NO.....that is chili not poop. We'd never make you eat poop.
3. DO NOT stick your hand in the toilet.
4. Yes, the dog is pooping. Dont touch it. DONT touch it. DONT TOUCH IT!!!!
5. Dont pour your drink on the floor.
6. (in the public bathroom) DONT TOUCH ANYTHING!!!
7. Get your hand out of your butt.
8. DO NOT eat the dog food.
9. Get the rocks out of your mouth.
10. No, I dont want you to watch me go poopy.
11. You can not eat Vaseline.
12. I am not taking you to the hospital for an ant bite. (yes, Dakota asked to go to the hospital)
13.'re sister is poopy and no you can't see it.
14. (shortly after number 13) GET YOUR HAND OUT OF HER DIAPER!!!!!
15. Did you just eat something out of the trash? why? why? why would you do that?
16. OMG ANGELA! He just ate your lipstick!! (we have a picture)
17. Get the underwear off your head.

Hello Poison's me again.

My kid Dakota is the most curious little kid, I have ever seen in my life. On top of that, it likes to climb things, tear things apart, etc. Anyway...he is ALWAYS getting into something that says "keep away from children". We even put them up in the top of the cabinets, and he still finds a way. he has actually even moved the ottoman up to the counter so he could get onto the countertop. I swear to everything Holy that if I have to call poison control one more time i am gonna lose it. Let's just see here, if I can remember all of the times.

1. Angela and the kids were taking a nap. While she was sleeping, Dakota woke up and saw the Lysol lemon cleaner spray Angela had left on the top part of the counter. He coudn't reach it, so pushed the ottoman over to the counter and climbed up and got it. He went to Sydney's room and woke her up. He proceeded to clean everything.....INCLUDING HER!! He sprayed her all in the eyes, etc. Angela woke up about the time I was getting home. We had to call Poison Control and take Sydney to the hospital. Fun times.

2. Sydney has some sort of Diaper ointment that the doctor had prescribed. Once day Dakota saw it on the changing table and reached up and got it. pretty much ate the whole tube. We had to call Poison Control.

3. We were in Virignia for the holidays. Dakota walked into a room and got ahold of some potpourri oil. He drank the whole bottle. We had to call Poison Control.

4. AND TODAY.....we had gotten Sydney some more ointment for yet another diaper rash(side effect of the ear infection medicine she was taking). SO.....I am in the bathroom and walk out. I see Dakota with what looks like a tube of chapstick. I realized it was the tube of ointment....or at least what was left of it. He had eaten the whole brand new tube. I had to call poison control.

There were another 3 times as well ,but I just dont remember what they were.

Me and Poison Control are on a first name basis now. "hello, it's cliff again.'s Dakota. yes, I alread did the same thing you told me to do for the last 7 incidents. Yep, same personal info as last time. OK, thanks Jane.'s your family? Little Johnny doing well? That's great. Well, Tell Frank we said hi. Speak soon!!".

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I always wanted a just never dawned on me that it would be located in my son's bedroom

Here we go again!!!

I was sitting in my studio working on some things...just listening to the kids in the next room laught and play. It was so cute. I could have sat there and listened to it all night. I received a text from my friend today asking me how the day had been. I was not 3 seconds after I replied back saying "pretty noneventful" that I decided it was time for the kids to go to bed. I got just outside the studio door and realized that the kids had moved to the living room. I turned the corner and fell into about 27 feet of water. I thought about the surfboards in the next room, but knew I would never make it. I decided it was best to swim straight to the kids. I swam across the raging sea in my living room and made it to the kitchen where the kids were standing by the fridge.

Let me ask you this. Given 5 minutes unsupervised, a 12 oz. cup, and a water spicket....exactly how much water do you think a 3 year old and 2 year old can manage to spread around the house? Whatever your answer, I can testify first hand that you will be grossly underestimating. I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE at this point that my 3 year old has some sort of superpower. If I could have him learn to harness his power and use it for good and not evil, then we could cure the world of every calamity.

Anyway, back to the pool in my house. After swimming over to my kids, I turned and looked back to see where the trail of water was leading. It was going straight into Dakota's room. It finally dawned on me that THIS was what all the laughing was about 5 mins earlier. They were SOAKED from head to toe as was the floor I had cleaned with wood floor polish earlier in the day. I grabbed both kids up, and swam off to Dakota's room where I THOUGHT I was going to be dry. I realized what they had been doing.

They had been filling the cup with water in the kitchen...taking it to Dakota's room and pouring it onto HIS play kitchen. His bedroom was a SWIMMING POOL!!! For those of you who know my dad....I will be the first to admit it. The spirit of Larry Millender started rising up within me. I was ready to take both of the kids and bop their heads togther 3 stooges style. I was slinging toy out of my before I knew what I was doing...and before I realized that all of the toys where filled with water as well. Before I knew it, there was water splashed on every wall. I ended up having to put arm floaties on the kids and I tied a rope to them to keep them from floating off in the current. If you think I am exaggerating about how much water was on the floor, just imagine this...I just did laundry today and it took nearly every clean towel we had to mop of the water.

At first I was mad...but now I realize how much we are going to enjoy the new swimming pool in Dakota's room. But I am going to make him keep it clean since this was HIS idea.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Welcome to the feces fiesta can I take your order? Yes, I'll have the mcfeces with a side order of pee please. Actually....can you supersize that?

I swear to everything Holy that if this evening had not ended when it did, I may have baker acted myself before all was said and done.

I KNEW I smelled something quite ripe...and the odor seemed to be emitting from my daughter. Sure enough, I looked down and saw a green fog wafting out of her diaper. It was bath time anyway, so no problem right? WRONG!!!!!

I take her into the nursery, and change her diaper. I thought I noticed things in the poopy arena to be a little clingy. She had a full on clingon going. It took me like 77 tries to finally get everything cleared. FINALLY, all was done, and I put her on the floor.

I walked into the kitchen to get a biohazard bag to put the toxic waste diaper into. As I was doing that, I noticed my daughter running around the house creaming like a banshee and laughing hysterically. It was kinda cute, so I started laughing with her....UNTIL......

Until I saw it. She had a stage 5 clingon hanging out of her butt!!! The girl was prairie dogging and running around the house screaming like an idiot. She thought it was hilarious that she had a massive turd dangling from her butt. I began the chase...

Up on the couch she went. NOOO!!!!!! Don't sit down!!! Please GOD...have mercy on me...don't let her sit down, oh please oh please God, if you have ever loved me don't let her sit down.

She sat down.

In the process, the clingon became a pancake. I grabbed her with my figertips and held her out so as not to get any fecal matter on me, and carried her off into the nursery. Along the way, I found a turd on the ground and realized that she had crop dusted the floor. There were several turds in a row. I cleaned her butt and then went and deturded the floor.

FINALLY, I could put the kids in the bath. We headed for the bathroom and Dakota told me he had to pee. He hopped up on the toilet and went all out. Only problem is...this kid has the aim of a one armed blind man holding a firehose. He peed all over the place. Sydney and I were ducking to save ourselves from drowning. I kid you not...the kid drilled holes in the wall.

Frustrating enough right? Can't get any worse right? Oh how wrong you'd be to think such a thing.

I get the kids bathed and get the floor cleaned up. I finally get the kids dressed when I hear Angela call out. "what's that on the floor?" I didn't even have to look. I knew immediately that I had missed an area from Sydney's cropdusting episode from earlier. I walked into the living room to find several cute little turds staring right up at me. Only problem was completely flattened and had a definite shoe print on it. O M G!!! I checked my shoes. Sure enough...I had stepped in that crap. No pun intended, but defnitely appreciated I am sure. The realization of all the steps I had taken since her cropdusting episode started to sink in. I had been all over the house. OOOOOOOOhhhhh mannnnnnnn!!!!

I started walking around finding little shoe print shaped turd deposits around the house, and started the cleaning.

I got that mess cleaned up, and was DEFINITELY ready for the kids to hit the sack by this point. I told Dakota to brush his teeeth, and he went in to get that going. I heard him move his potty/stool to the sink to brush his teeth. He does that every night so I didn't think anything of it.

I heard Sydney run in there, and then heard them fighting so I knew they were fighting over who was getting to stand on the potty/stool. I walked in there guns blazing...ready to kick butt and take names. I marched my little butt right into the bathroom like I was about to throw down about a 55 gallon drum of butt whoop all over the place. I stomped right in there and.......... WEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

I actually saw my feet pass over my head and for a split second, I swear my entire life flashed before my eyes. Everything was in slow motion, and fast forward all at once. There was no doubt about it...I was gonna wipeout. But what made me slip? In the 3 minutes it took me to fall down, I had plenty of time to come to the conclusion that I knew EXACTLY what I had stepped in.


Dakota had apparently been peeing in his little potty all day long and had told nobody about it was full. Pressed down shaken together and overflowing as I have heard people say in church circles. He had lifted the potty up to carry it over to the sink and in the process had poured pee ALL OVER THE FREAKIN PLACE!!! I finally was able to swim out of the ocean of urine that filled the bathroom floor and make it to the side long enough to catch my breath. At this point I took a good lok at the kids and realized something. They had been walking in the bathroom AFTER he carried the potty over. I saw Sydney's socks SOAKED with pee.

You know what...I didn't even care at this point. I just took them off, didn't even bother to wash her feet, put some new socks on her, and was done for the evening.

I am wondering...where do I go to turn in my resignation?

Thursday, June 18, 2009


O M G !!!

I am SOOOO thru with today. Actually...I was thru with today YESTERDAY too. Let me first just say I am sorry for not updating this blog regularly over the last 2 months. I have had SOO much going on. My band licensed a song to a top forty artist for them to record and release in July, we released our own record as well, I also wrote an ebook about my domain business as well as launched a website for real estate listings...and I am still working at the church 3 days a week. On top of that...Angela has been in school full-time during this summer session taking some pretty hard courses, so much of the house duty has been left to me...which is actually kinda cool because I am an anal retentive neat freak anyway.

OK...NOW...back to the free kids. I got home from the office yesterday evening in time to get ready to go back to the church. Angela had fed the kids Chinese food for lunch and spent the rest of the day studying for a test which meant she didnt have time to clean up the mess of food on the table and floor. I cleaned it when I geot home, and then fed the kids the rest of the Chinese food for dinner.

Dakota was screaming/crying about EVERYTHING!! "I dont want socks". So I take them off..."NO...I WANT SOCKS...WHHHAAAAHHHHHH". This went on the entire time during dinner. Then Sydney felt like the floor I just cleaned would look much better with a plate of Chinese food strung about it, so she threw her food on the floor. AGAIN...I cleaned the floor...a bit. I had to go to church, so no time for a real cleaning.

We get to church, and the 1.5 hours they were in the nursery was like a mini vacation for me. I actually DREADED picking them up and coming home. I gopt them from the nursery, and then Dakota started the scream engine again. This time it started because I apparently went out the exit of the parking lot that he doesn't like. The whole time I am driving out he was screaming..."NO DADDY....NOT DIS WAYY...WAHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHH". This went on till I made it to the gas station. I got out and spanked him for the screaming, and then pumped gas. I got back in the car and the BLack Eyed Peas Boom Boom Boom was on. This is like Dakota's fave tune right now. He was singing it..and then it went off. "NOOO...I WANT DA BOOM BOOM POW...WHHHAAAHHHHHHHH". I was fit to be tied by the time I got home. I FINALLY got the kids put to bed, and was ready to sit down and enjoy a nice 2 liter bottle of red wine. Only we didnt have any. After about 30 mins of trying to figure out a way to make some sort of alcohol from the bread and fruit in the house, I gave up. :P

I then had to REALLY clean the kitchen floor/table/chairs from all the Chinese food earlier. SO...I did a real cleaning on the kitchen. THEN....had to start working on some music productions. Angela got home fro mschool around 11:30 and went straight to bed because she had to be up at 6:30. Which honestly meant that I too was going to be up at 6:30. BUT...too much work to do. SO, I stayed up and worked on music until around 2AM.

I was BEAT this morning when Angela left. I tried to go back to sleep, but then Dakota came in at 7:20 this morning and got me out of bed to make me coem get a bug out of the house. I got rid of the bug and put him back down. I couldn't sleep though. Finally around 7:40, I just got up and started working on music again. The kids got up around 8:30, and I got their breakfast made. They started eating their breakfast in my spotless kitchen when all of the sudden...BLAAAAAMMM!!!! SPLASH!! SYDNEY DUMPED HER ENTIRE BOWL OF CEREAL ONTO THE FLOOR I STAYED UP AND MOPPED LAST NIGHT...ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spanked her and put her back to bed...and FINALLY got it all cleaned up. Kinda. I still need to mop...AGAIN! I got her out of bed and ever since then, the kids have been fighting over EVERYTHING!! I am done. These kids are to be listed on ebay by the end of the day.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

When it rains it pours...


This is probably the most disgusting few days that has ever happened to me.

I got a call from Angela a few days ago about Stitch(my Jack Russell) being sick. She said he had diarrhea all over himself in the kennel. I knew I was in for a rough evening. I left the chruch and came home to let the cleaning begin. I got home and the smell radiating from the kennel literally burned my nostrils. I let him out and just sprayed the friggin thing down with a water hose. Then i go bathe him.

While he was in the bath, he started drinking the bath water. I FINALLY got him all dried off, and put him in our sunroom for TWO SECONDS!! That was long enough for the water works to begin from the other end of his body. he started puking like something from the exorcist. SO...I start immediately cleaning that up. I put him back in the kennel to clean the nasty poop smelling puke(dont even wanna know why it smelled like poop)...and then he crapped in the kennel again. I took him back out to clean that, and while I was doing that he ran over to his water dish and chugged 55 gallons of water than then started spewing again. I took him outside, and he was just poopin everywhere.

At this point I knew my entire evening was screwed. OH...btw....this was all in an hours time while trying to get ready for church that night. I finally put him back in the kennel, and took a shower and went to church.

The next day, he was pretty much back to normal, and I thought I was not going to have to deal with anything so nasty for a LONG LONG time.

So now you probably see where this is going. the dog was fine after that. Let's move on to Sydney. A couple of days later, we were all eating dinner. She started to kinda gag on some food and next thing you know, she has thrown up all over herself, the table, the floor, etc. her head spun in an entire was scary. Dakota screamed out... "OH MY GOODNESS...SISTER MAKE A MESS!!!"

I got that mess cleaned up and took her to the bathroom. As I was running the water for her, she peed all over the floor...took one step...slipped it in and banged her head on the toilet. So now I had to comfort a child who was covered in puke and pee, and screaming hysterically.

So much fun

Friday, April 17, 2009

HOLY CRAP!!! Literally!!! The _____ hit the fan!!!

So here's the deal...

The other day, I get a call from Angela saying that Dakota went poopy in the potty for the first time. We were all excited and may have actually high fived when I got home...I am not sure. All afternoon, Dakota was using the potty like a "big boy". The only thing was....Angela told me he didn't go very much during the "poopy" session. Dakota had been wearing underwear all day long though. was Wed nite and we were getting ready for church. Dakota wanted to wear his underwear to church. We very STUPIDLY let him. Angela and I were in the middle of a clas when we were summoned.

I went into the nursery area and the stench radiating from the area definitely led me to believe I was going to have a problem the likes of which none has ever seen. I grabbed up Dakota who by this point had flies circling around him like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. I laid my stinky boy down on the changing table and he looked up and said "dada...i lub you". I said " love you too buddy, but you can't go poopy in your underwear anymore". Then the tears started flowing...these tears were his. I had hurt his feelings. I felt horrible and tried to console him.

I got his jeans off and saw the underwear...and the tears started flowing. These were mine. There was a mountain of poop in his underwear that can only be compared to Kilimanjaro or Everest. I actually had to physically climb to the top of this poop mountain just to get the underwear off. I reached the top and posted a flag just like all explorers do....because this was definitely uncharted territory. I titled this post "HOLY CRAP"....because it was actually miraculous the amount of crap that was in these underwear.

NOW....when I saw this was a MOUNTAIN of is NOT an exaggeration. This pile of $#@! was so massive that when I tried to drop it out of the underwear into the toilet it just plopped in...and then wouldn't even flush after I tried several times. I had to get something and shove it down the hole.

The underwear were completely unsalvagable. I didn't even try. I just bagged them up so that the smell wouldn't harm any animals and trashed them. Ain't NO WAY I am going to try to actually clean these things.